Up and Down and Selfish

Since Tuesday (my last post), life has been much better.  Not great, but better.  My very thoughtful husband called me Tuesday morning and invited me to join him for lunch, just the 2 of us.  My friend Luda has been coming on Tuesdays to give me some concentrated study time, but that (study time, that is) wasn't happening on this particular Tuesday.  In fact, I was struggling to get anything done on that day.

Anyway, we ate at Carl's Jr, which is a special and homey kind of treat.  Then we went grocery shopping, which also turned out to be coat shopping for me.  The store we went to is kind of like a super wal-mart, sort of, and there were coats on sale for only $0.10 more than a new zipper would cost for the coat that I've been wearing.  So I got a really cute new coat, complete with furry trim on the collar that can be removed when it gets warmer.

I was pretty teary all day off and on, mostly on.  I started to feel better later in the evening.  Thomas was so patient with me all day.  He kept reminding me that my body was also going through physiological adjustments that I didn't need to discredit.  I think he's right, but when I talk about the physical side of what I'm feeling, I think that I'm making excuses and not really facing what I need to be dealing with and working through.

So anyway.  Wednesday was better, though with a migraine.  Thursday was all right, but a migraine hangover was no fun.

And now I seem to be "suffering" from a seriously bad case of "I want my own way, and I want it now, and if I don't get it, then I'm going to be a grump and not nice to anyone".  Yeah, you could probably wrap that up in one word-selfishness.  It seems to be "kicked up a notch" right now.  I feel this internal battle.  I realize that I'm not behaving in a way that I should.  I'm short with my sweet husband and don't want to do anything that wasn't my idea.  I feel incredibly inconvenienced at the slightest change of plans.  I'm more stubborn than usual (which is bad enough on a daily basis, but extremely prominent right now).  

I think I can sympathize with what Paul was saying in Romans 7, at least in part.  I know what I should be doing, and most of the time I want to do that; but it really does seem as though there is a physical force that drives me to do something else that I know is not right.  I'm not trying to make excuses.  I know that I must confess my own sin and seek forgiveness from God and from my family and continue to strive to do what is right.  The most frightening part right now to me is that there are some periods during the day when I sometimes don't want to give up my selfish mentality.  (I feel a horrid knot in my stomach as I type that!  But I'm hoping that confessing to my friends--after my God and my family, of course--will help me be even more aware of the gravity of this sin and press on to overcome.)

Does anyone else ever feel this way?  I have thoughts like this:  My time is not my own, and I can't seem to do anything that I want to do.  I'm always doing things for someone else, when will I get time for ME?  Thomas gets to do all the fun things whenever he wants to.  Sure, he asks me if it's all right, but then how can I say no?  So I say yes, and then I often feel resentful.

There's a sample.  I know that these thoughts are not honoring to God.  This is not helping me to fulfill my calling as a wife and mother with joy.  And I want that joy!  I love being Thomas' wife and Isaiah's mother.  I hate my sin, so why do I want to hold onto it at times?!