I kind of expected this though. I reminded myself about things I used to tell my counseling client who were dealing with depression. (sidenote: I don't think that I'm "diagnosably depressed", but I do have some depressive feelings, which I think is pretty natural, but which I also don't want to control me or overwhelm me.)
I used to tell my clients that often depression can be like a diagonally upward spiral. Clear as mud, right? Well, it helped to have a dry erase board or something to draw on to illustrate the concept. The basic idea is that you'll have some good days, but don't be surprised if it feels like one day you go backwards a little bit. The hope, and generally the case when you're in the process of healing, is that the "backwards" days are never as low as the lowest point, though you feel lower than you were the previous day(s).
And if that doesn't make sense, don't feel bad. My explanation skills are a little hindered today. :) But I think that's what's happening to me. I feel worse today, but not as low as I did earlier. I'm nervous about my appointment tomorrow. I don't think I'll need a D&C, but I don't know for sure. My body is still in discomfort and sometimes even pain. I'm wondering how long this is supposed to last. Again, I'm not despairing, but I'm definitely feeling the need for a good cry and wondering when I'll find the time. It's like this pressure is building up in my insides around my heart, and I'm trying to keep it at bay.
We have some fun things planned today, which will help distract me for a little while, but I know that eventually I need to focus a little bit on what's going on inside before it gets out of control. Please pray for wisdom to know when to do what. Please pray for physical pain to subside; it's much better, but I'm ready for it to be all gone. Please continue to pray for me to keep my focus where it needs to be.
Thankfully I have had a couple of friends who have been more than helpful and kind and compassionate and there really aren't enough wonderful adjectives to describe how they have helped me in their different ways. I think you know who you are, and I thank you again! Though I'm far away, I haven't felt isolated.
All right, that's enough rambling for now, but I reserve the right to return. This is after all my blog. :) I'm going to go love on my Little Man.
4 comments:
I wish that I could come kidnap you and take you to a warm, sunny place where we could go on nice walks and talk for hours. In the meantime I'll skype with you anytime, just let me know. :-) I'm praying.
Oh, E! You have no idea how wonderful being kidnapped like that sounds--as long as the boys could come, too, of course. :)
Thank you for your prayers. I'm a little nervous about my appointment tomorrow.
of COURSE the boys would come! I don't blame you for being nervous, I'm so glad it went well, all things considered. love you
Three years ago, Joseph died. I am fine most of the time now, and by that I mean that I don't dwell on it every moment of the day. There are even days when I don't think about him (this is something I never thought would happen). But, ever once in a while I will just break down in tears. Jeremy always asks what is wrong, but he doesn't get tired of my emotion. He once told me that he anticipated that this occational melt down would occur from time to time for the rest of our lives. It is an evidence of how much Joseph meant to me and the impact his death had on my life.
All that to say, I totally understand your "diagonally upward spiral." Take heart in that you are not alone. I love you!
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