We had a great day as a family. We visited IKEA and made some fun purchases. I even bought material for new curtains for our bedroom, which should block out the sun during the white nights we look forward to after months of darkness. But I digress...it was a good day. Lots of family time, sunshine, playtime with Isaiah--all around a good day.
Then for some reason during or after supper, I can't even really say, I started to have this achy feeling in my chest. Not physical pain, but that tightness around my chest that belies some unpleasant emotions.
We had a quiet evening after putting Isaiah to bed. I grabbed a good ol' Jane Austen and settled as comfortably as I could onto our couch. The feeling started to grow. I don't know what triggered the following irrational thoughts, but for some reason I became overwhelmed with fears of not being able to have children any more, that if I was able to get pregnant, all the pregnancies would end as my last one did. And then I physically ached to hold my child not with us.
These emotions and thoughts really surprised me--shocked me even--as I had been feeling so much better lately. My spirits had been calm and peaceful, but then I should remember the vertically upward but tilted spiral, I suppose.
I wish that I could tell you that I prayed or read scripture and felt much better, but unfortunately for me, though I did seek God's face and felt confident of His presence, these feelings continued through the night, disturbing my sleep even. And this morning when I woke up, I "found" them still present.
I talked with Thomas about it last night saying, "I don't know why this started." He calmly stated that he did, which didn't make sense to me at all. He said that he thought Satan was trying to trouble my mind. He prayed with me very gently and tenderly and thoughtfully.
I must confess that I am more likely to assume that I have done something wrong than to remember that perhaps there is an aspect of spiritual warfare going on. But in this situation, I have searched my heart and I cannot identify my sin. I know that letting such thoughts and emotions overpower me and prevent me from doing what I am to do each day could very easily turn me to sin, but I don't think that is happening so far. Today I want to do what I have to do, and I am struggling to do that, but I am struggling--I mean, I haven't given in. I know that I cannot do that on my own, and I have sought my strength from God.
I sense this post deteriorating from any form of making sense, so I think I'll conclude with asking for your prayers. I want to honor God. I know that He uses pain and painful circumstances to refine His children (James 1:2-4). It's not so much that I want to shy away from pain, but I also don't want to be overwhelmed by it.
4 comments:
Cristy,
I understand this struggle! The answer I feel is undoubtedly somewhere in the middle. Yes, we experience pain, doubt, and fear ultimately because we are sinners living in a sinful world, but I am confident that these emotions are also part of the process of refining us, and teaching us, and making us more like Christ. Do not minimize the fact that you are pressing forward. Your pain and fear are not stopping you from fulfilling the responsibilities that the Lord has given you. You know in whom you MUST trust and put your faith. God will honor your fight to overcome fear, and He will give you the strength you need to continue to do the next thing.
I OFTEN struggle with feelings of being overwhelmed in dealing with Josiah's autism. At times, I fear what the future holds and what decisions are best, BUT I continue on and I pray for greater faith and greater growth.
I'll pray for you now!
All my love,
Christy
This may not be helpful but your experience reminds me of my anxiety. It always came out of nowhere and I didn't understand why it was there. It came with rapid thoughts and feelings of doom. And most assuredly, Satan used it to discourage me from turning or trusting in the our Good God. Your hormones no doubt are doing crazy things (as mine sort of did when I got of birth control) so it could be merely physical with Satan twisting to serve himself. I'll keep you in my prayers, cristy!
Cristy, I love you. I don't want you to worry too much about how you grieve. Everything you described sounds perfectly normal to me, I bet everyone who has suffered in a similar way would relate completely to your fears. The Lord knows how great your suffering is and He longs to give you His grace and love in this, I think He would be saddened to think you were being anything but extremely gentle toward yourself at this time. You don't have to do this "right" to have his love or ours. I am praying, praying, praying for your sweet heart.
Love you!
e
dear friends,
i want to respond to each of you, but right now i don't have the time as i'm on my way to my lesson. thank you very much for each of your comments and love and prayers. i am doing some better, but now have a migraine hangover. :)
i look forward to posting about what the lord has done the last couple of days, providing i survive this lesson!
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