Give Me A Towel

I have been feeling quite overwhelmed.  I have been studying hard this week, even harder than normal, which sadly probably isn't saying that much.  Anyway, as I took the 15 minute walk to the metro stop for my 1 hour ride to catch the tramveye for 20 minutes to get to my teacher's apartment, I was feeling pretty down.  In fact the words, I want to throw in the towel, definitely passed through my mind more than once.

So I talked to God:  What in the world am I doing here, God?  I mean, I'm getting better at being able to talk to people, but I have to look words up hundreds of times (only a slight exaggeration), and I still can't remember them.  Thomas is able to go and attend meetings and plan conferences and preach and contribute at Bible studies and help with cooking and cleaning up after meals and taking care of Isaiah while I'm at my lesson and doing some of our shopping and, and, and....what do I do for the kingdom?  

I didn't really want to have a pity party, but my thoughts were quickly disintegrating to such a thing.  I was determined not to cry during my lesson no matter what because I didn't want my teacher to think that she needed to comfort me.  This wasn't her problem, it's all mine.

Anyway, so I made it to my lesson.  And right of the bat I told my teacher that I had a problem.  No matter how many times I review my words, I cannot remember them!  Is this normal, or is this just me?  She told me that I was trying to force too much into my head at one time and read stories that were probably really too difficult for me at this point with the vocabulary that I should have.  We continued with the lesson.  I continued to hold back the tears that felt quite imminent.

Cristy, ask me questions about my trip to Finland, my teacher calmly began.  I stared at her blankly.  I had no idea what to ask.  We had already talked about her trip to Finland several times.  And then I had a bit of a revelation that I decided to share with my teacher.  

You know, I think that when I was training as a counselor, I really learned how to listen well, 

but not talk as well.  I can't think of things to say off the top of my head.  Thomas is the talker in the family.  I listen.  Even in English I tend to be more of a quiet person.

My teacher then proceeded to tell me that I have a complex (this word is a cognate, so I understood her perfectly) and needed to force myself to talk, in Russian of course.  She complimented my grammar and my understanding of the grammar, but said again and again that I had a complex and needed to get over it and start talking.

While I understood what she meant, this didn't help me emotionally at all.  Leaving my lesson, I still wanted to cry, but I was very satisfied with myself for not having done so during my lesson!  

Sometimes it's easy to get lost and overwhelmed in this language learning thing, which is a huge part of what I was feeling.  But I think some of what was going on also has to do with understanding how my calling as a wife and mother "plays out" in Russia.  What God has called me to do in being with Isaiah and taking care of our home is also for the furtherance of the kingdom.  How I relate to Thomas and Isaiah (Lord willing in a biblical manner) can be an example in a society that doesn't value the family unit in any way except as numbers in the population.

Our field director once asked me how I felt about not being an official counselor anymore, if I thought that my gifts were not being used.  I think he was also trying to get at my contentment and satisfaction in what I was doing here.  I confess that there are times when I feel quite useless and then wonder how I am helping here.  Thankfully, those times are not as often as they used to be, but they do come!  Realizing how much more I could "do" in America, I lose sight of what I am called to do here, which probably means that I'm not keeping my eyes on Christ in those moments.  I'm looking at me and what I think that I should be doing.  I need to look to Christ, to look at what He is providing for me to do, at how He is changing and molding me, at how He interacted with people on basic levels and often attended needs that didn't even need speech or very little speech.  I need to keep my eyes on Christ.

I once heard a podcast from Alistair Begg.  He was preaching on Phil. 2 and the mind of Christ.  He used an example of this man that he knew who was a caddy for some really good golfers.  He said that this caddy was an excellent golfer in his own right (or rite? I never can remember), that he was an excellent chess player, and excellent this and an excellent that, etc.  Then this man who probably could have won professional golf tournaments himself, donned the caddy uniform in which he blended into the background, and he served the golfer.  Now, of course, this illustration isn't perfect (I don't know one that is!), but I try remember his point when I'm feeling overwhelmed and useless.  What was his point?  That in some ways, this caddy was being an example of setting aside himself as Christ did, and all the rights that Christ had, to serve others.  

To make it personal to me:  I was a pretty good counselor (not to brag, I'm just saying what my supervisor said once), I have some creativity, I can do some things fairly well on my own.  Many of those things stopped when Isaiah was born.  Like other mothers, I set aside the goals and aspirations that I might have had for my life as a woman with more time on her hands.  I serve my family (well, I try to set aside my selfishness and do this!).  In this way, I can show Christ to my son.  He doesn't know that right now, but I do, and that can help me when I feel like I'm "not doing anything important".  I hope that this illustration isn't blasphemous or anything, but I trust y'all to tell me if I err! :)

I know that everyone can get overwhelmed, even in his or her native culture, so I'll pray for you, and you pray for me and we'll press on and do what God has called us to do where He's put us to do it.

(P.S.  I tried to find the old podcast message, but I'm having some difficulty.  If I'm able to find it later, I'll post a link in case you're interested.)