"Horrors!" One might say, "You're a missionary, and you don't want to go to church! What's wrong with you?!" At least, that's what I imagine people might say, and that's why I haven't blogged about this particular struggle for the past year. But I have been struggling for the past year with these feelings. I think that I might actually have some good reasons not to go to church:
~I don't understand just about everything that's going on. Ok, my Russian isn't terrible, but we meet in this huge old church with a terrible echo. Sometimes I wonder if I would be able to follow the service in English!
~I have one friend at church, Luda. I love Luda. Some of you might have read about her on Random Thoughts or Siberiangrits. Luda's great. But I feel bad for monopolizing her at church and keeping her from hanging out with the other young people. I mean, I don't have that as my plan, to keep Luda all to myself, but 9 times out of 10 that's what happens.
~The other people at church don't seem to know what to do with me. I try talking to them in my developing Russian, but I never seem to get anywhere. One day someone even just walked away from me for no apparent reason.
~I don't think that I contribute anything to the service and worship, which is very frustrating to me, especially when I also don't think that I'm learning anything either!
~I'm the only young mother at our church. The next youngest child is 10 or so, so I'm the only one with a little one in the service. That lends itself to certain challenges at times.
~And today, I just don't feel good; I haven't felt good pretty much all week. I have random symptoms that come and go and sometimes send me going frequently, if you know what I mean. And with those kinds of symptoms, it often feels safer to stay in the comfort of your own home; especially in a country where toilet paper isn't usually provided.
Ok, so some of these reasons are just selfish, but the whole not understanding reason is pretty big!
So for the past year, off and on I haven't wanted to go to church. Recently Thomas and I decided that as missionaries, we really needed to know some of the other pastors in the area, and to do that we needed to visit other churches. While I knew this was true, I must admit that I wasn't thrilled at the prospect of going to other churches where even more people with whom I should have things in common and yet have nothing to talk about attended!
God surprised me. We attended The Way, The Truth and The Life Church last Sunday. There were other families there! There was even a family with a baby there! People talked to me! People let me talk! For the first time in Russia, I was exceedingly joyful after leaving church. I had understood a lot of the sermon--meeting in a small room without an echo makes a huge difference. There was genuine fellowship after the service. I made a friend who lives very close to me! (another post on her is sure to follow next week)
But we're not going there this Sunday, and here's my conflict: Now I pray for contentment with Light of Christ, our "regular" church. We do plan on continuing to visit other churches, but most often we will be at Light of Christ. But today, I don't want to go. I want to go back to the other church. I pray for contentment. I pray for understanding.
2 comments:
Hi, Cristy. Thanks for inviting me to share your thoughts. I've been hindered in commenting b/c I couldn't remember or figure out my Google password, but I think it has helped me think through your church problems a little more.
I know you're not sharing your thoughts to find solutions, necessarily, and I promise not to take a problem-solving approach to what I read here. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought that you are probably right to be frustrated. Christians aren't meant to function outside the local church; a body part can't fulfill its purpose by itself. So, assuming that this local body is where you belong, maybe there's some way for you to facilitate the functioning of the parts together. The only thing I thought of is trying to get to know some of the people outside of the service. Can you have a couple over for a meal or have a bunch of the young people you mentioned over for popcorn--or whatever the Russian version of a cheap, fun snack is? Of course, this won't solve every problem or solve any problem quickly, but it might help you by giving you more opportunities for true fellowship, both in and out of the service.
(There are a lot of things I don't know about the culture and your situation, so if it doesn't help, you can just say so. :-) I mean, you could just say so anyway, but you know what I mean, I hope.
Thanks, Cathy! I really appreciate your comments. I think you're right about my intentions not always being to look for solutions, but one of the reasons I made this blog private was because I thought that the people I chose to be included were the type of people in my life who would comment out of there love for me. And sometimes even when I don't necessarily think that I want a solution, it could be the very time that I need it the most!
I appreciate your advice. Thomas and I have tried to implement some of what you mentioned, actually, with often disappointing (to us) results. But that doesn't mean that we should stop because in Russian culture, it often takes at least 3 tries before you get a positive response. Literally 3.
I think one thing that made going back to "our" church so difficult, too, was realizing that it didn't have to be that way after we attended the second church that I mentioned. But hopefully that new experience will help me be more determined to continue to try to be engaging in our church.
So, all that to say--thank you for your comment; it helps me to keep thinking and not get stuck in a place of discontentment! Please keep reading, commenting, and most of all praying!
Love you!
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